Not alone...

Infertility has been a painful condition for many reasons; one of them is the feeling of exclusion from the lives of many with families. Those of us battling infertility are struggling to face daily the prospect that something so “normal” may never be attainable for us. It often makes me feel isolated and sad. Additionally, as common as infertility is, it is often a private battle for many. Many couples don’t want to share their struggles with others, as that may not be helpful to them. This makes it difficult to be part of something that is just as “normal” nowadays, which is infertility. I find myself connected to others though blogs, books, on-line materials, all of which is quite a faceless way to be part of this very special community. I have a few friends, who are also battling infertility, and I am grateful for them; however, I would be more grateful if they got pregnant!!! We lean on each other as much as we can, share stories, tips and provide a lot of encouragement.

There are many others out there with infertility stories that break your heart. While it makes me cry to watch their stories, it also makes me feel more normal and gives me the strength I need to not give up, to go on and keep trying.

My voice is back

I haven’t written for a long time. I have had it on my list of things to do for quite a while, but every time I tried, no words would come. So I have waited and then suddenly the words came. I wondered why the words were gone and why they are coming suddenly, and I think I know why. And I now feel that I need to write in out of me.

The last time I wrote, I was scared, disappointed, angry and confused. Now it seems that it was a long time ago, but really it was only two months ago. After the pain of learning that the IVF did not work, I recovered fast. That is what everyone expected to see, and I did not want to dwell myself. I kept busy and it was not hard to forget about it. I pushed it out of my life, as if it was not my baggage to carry. But it is undoubtedly mine and it didn’t go anywhere.

I think our minds and feelings will sometimes protect us without us knowing. I felt protected these last two months, I shot out those who caused me pain, which mostly included people with small children, or those who are expecting. It wasn’t that hard because as ugly as it sounds, I just don’t care about them. I blocked them out, and my mind helped me blocking the feelings out for them as well. Facing them and having them in my life would mean I would constantly have to face what my life is missing, and also face the disappointment that motherhood may not be in the cards for me. No matter how good it is to have the many friends and family around, the reality is that when you are the odd one out, you just don’t belong. I don’t belong and I have nothing to offer. They want to see that I am fine and love their kids, and I am not fine and don’t want to love their kids. I want to love my own child. Love is nothing like anything else in the world. The fact that I have all this homeless love in my heart makes me able to offer less love to others.

Unfortunately, the bubble I have been living in is not holding up really well. I can’t shut everybody out. When I learned that my sister was pregnant I was really happy for her. We did not know the results of the IVF yet, so of course I hoped to go through pregnancy with her. But that is not how it turned out. And now I can feel how much I am letting her down. I am supposed to be the big sister, who is there to know all the details and will be showering her God Child with gifts. But the more I feel her need of sharing this with me, the harder it is on me. I don’t want to let her down. This isn’t supposed to happen this way. I am supposed to do more and give more. The trouble is I don’t know how to do it without hurting inside. I was able to remain disconnected till now, because the wall was high enough around me to protect me from feeling. But as the baby grows inside my sister's belly, my wall is weakening and I stand exposed. I am not the caring sister I am supposed to be, and I may never be the loving God Mother I am supposed to be. And how I change that, I don’t know. I wonder if my sister feels alone, like I do. So why can’t I be stronger and better, and be there for her.

So that is why the words are coming now.

I can’t make sense of it, so I write…

We had our beta hcg test 14 days past egg retrieval, and it was 9. Over 25 means pregnant, under 5 means not pregnant. In between could mean a couple of different things, but most resources I looked at points to a pregnancy that is not viable.

I don’t yet understand or able to process why this is happening. All kinds of thoughts go through my head as I try to make sense of it. Maybe I don’t deserve a child, maybe I made bad choices in the past. This is a recurring thought, but I think if children were only awarded to deserving parents, many would lose the right to parenthood. I also think I would be a good Mom because I would try very hard. I don’t think there is more a parent can do, but try really hard. Then I think it is not fair. I am a deserving parent and I see so many others who do not know what they have and show so little care toward their children. It makes me angry. But anger only hurts me, it will change nothing so I know I have to let it go. I also ponder if my full medical condition has been recovered. Maybe more test or procedures are needed to shed light on the full extent of the cause of my infertility. I don’t know how to work through this. Then I think, “what more could I do?” But I can’t think of anything, and there is no one to figure it out for me. I don’t feel stressed, I just feel hopeless. I wonder how long before I am able to accept. Will I ever be able to accept? And if I can’t accept it, will it swallow me up or will I have the strength to fight still? I am where I have never been before and the world won’t stop to wait for me till I am ready to move forward. Time forces you to always be in motion, you can only choose the direction.

So we are in no man’s land. I hope that by the power of the unexplainable we still have a chance. If not, I hope I miscarry soon, because it is torture to be constantly reminded of what it could have been. I can’t even think of where we go from here. I just set daily goals, really stupid ones, like “clean my closet”, so I can tell myself that I am not giving in, not giving up, not yet!

No matter what the future holds, for now we are pregnant!

We had our egg retrieval on April 24th, on day 12 of my cycle. It was a very uncomfortable procedure, but I would do it a thousand times over in exchange for getting pregnant! 16 eggs were retrieved and 12 of those were mature. After they were surrounded by Cris’ little swimmers, 10 eggs fertilized, an 83% fertilization rate, which I am told is a great achievement for the male partner, so great job Sweetie! From here on every report we received, we seemed to have lost 2 of the embryos. On day 3, 8 were doing well, 2 were behind in development. At this point, we got the green light to have a day 5 transfer. On day 5, 6 were doing well, however all 6 were still in an early blastocyst stage, which was slightly behind, so another day was added to give them a chance to develop into a full blastocyst stage. On day 6 (April 30th), we got the call in the morning that the 6 embryos were graded as follows: 6AA, 6AB, 4AB, 4AC, 4CB, and 4CC. Unfortunately, the last 3 were not candidates for cryopreservation, so we were faced with the exact decision that we feared. We were afraid that we would have exactly 3 viable embryos and we would have to leave one behind. The freezing process is a great way to preserve the embryos but it is also hard on them, and not all survive the thaw out process. With only one embryo to freeze, this would give us very little chance at a Froze Embryo Transfer (FET). Also, I felt that I was abandoning one of my babies. Cris and I were here for each other, and 2 of the best embryos would be transferred together, so they can keep each other company, but our last little one would be alone. Thankfully, between my Doctor and the Embryologist at OHSU they proposed to freeze our 4AC grade embryo along with our 4AB embryo, which actually developed into a 5AB embryo by the time the vitrification process began. So I felt more at peace with leaving them behind, knowing that they are not alone. I am also with them in spirit. So after starting with 16 eggs we ended with 4 embryos, exactly 25%. Even though today probably should be about the 2 little embryos that are growing in my belly, I can’t help feeling sad for the 12 that didn’t make it. In some ways I am mourning them, because I felt connected to them all throughout this process, and now they are irreversibly gone. I will keep them in my memory.

All throughout this process I stayed pretty strong. I had a few sensitive moments, but I kept it together really well, no emotional outbursts. But on day 5 when we went to the hospital for the egg transfer and we were told that we needed to wait another day, I lost it. It all just came flooding. All the anticipation of that day, and now we have to go home without our babies. It was very hard to process that everything was fine, but we still had to wait another day. What really helped getting through this tough day is the kindness of those who were standing right by us. My acupuncturist, Kendra, got up at the crack of dawn with us to be there and showed no disappointment. Further, she called back later that day, on a Sunday!, to let us know that she has rearranged her schedule to be there with us the next day. Dr. Chang called as early on day 5 as she could to give us the update, and she took the time to answer all of our questions in detail. She has always been this way, so we are very lucky to have her. She also called first thing the next day to provide the most current update on our embryo development. I wonder if at other clinics it is the nurse who calls instead of the Doctors. Dr. Chang’s work ethic is really amazing. She is a kind and quiet person, but her determination is her driving force that one cannot ignore. At OHSU, Dr. Chang is assisted by Debra, who has been also really kind to us. All 3 times we met her she took the time to explain what will happen and how things work. On the morning of day 5, she came to talk to us to make sure we understood that everything was ok, and a day 6 transfer is not unusual, or a reason for worry. She even asked the Embryologist, Debbie, to come talk to us. She walked us through the embryo report and made sure all of our questions were answered. She also offered to be handling our case the next day, as she already had our case history. She did keep her word and we did see her the next day at the embryo transfer. She understood my concern over freezing only one embryo, and worked with us to find a solution. No matter the outcome of this IVF cycle, I will forever be grateful for the kindness and care of all these very special people. (and now I am crying!)

So it all lead up to this…right now we are pregnant. We don’t know how long, but hope for the very best. Counting the hours till our test on May 8th. I hope we make it that far, and I hope it will be positive. I am so grateful for my husband who stuck this process out with me, the people that were on our baby team and cared for us, and the friends and family we have. Also, I am very grateful that I am able to take time off from work to rest and focus on keeping our lives stress free and baby ready!

Baby Angels, we hope you come to us! We have so much love for you!

Half way there…

Tonight Cris has administered the dreaded trigger shot, which marks the halfway point of our IVF process. This shot will trigger ovulation, and we are very hopeful of having at least 10 eggs to collect. The trigger shot was into the buttocks, but we iced it beforehand, so I did not feel it that much. What a relief!!! Tomorrow, I only have to take my prenatal vitamin and my Aspirin, no shots!!!

I have been pretty uncomfortable for the past week, but I expect it to get worse, so every time I feel a little better, even for a few hours I try to make the best of it. Hard to believe we have the egg retrieval in two days. Wow!!! This day finally came too! The most dominant thought on my mind lately is how many embryos to implant. It has always been a choice between 2 or 3, but there is a huge difference between these numbers when they equate to the potential number of babies we could have! On one hand, my biggest fear is that this whole process results in no pregnancy, so looking at it from that angle, I would prefer to add an extra embryo for insurance. On the other hand, if I am thinking about the toll triplets would take on my body, I get pretty scared. So this decision will need some help from the Universe, Cris, and Dr. Chang, but I am sure together we will figure it out.

I am very grateful for getting this far. I am also very grateful for the help I have gotten from my husband and my healthcare professionals whom I also like to call “my baby team.” No matter what, I feel very lucky to have the life I have and grateful for the people in my life.

My IVF Buddy is the Best!

As the treatment is intensifying I am reminded several times a day how lucky I am to have Cris by my side. Just the fact that he helps administer all the shots is a great deal of help. But lately I noticed other small gifts that Cris is giving me. He tells me that I am doing a good job and that he is sorry that I have to have these shots. The other day when we were watching Dexter, he told me that Julia Stiles did not look that good, and he thought I looked better than her. I smiled. J I don’t look better then Julia, especially lately. I just want to wear my sweats and lay on the couch. And the laying around is just starting, so I am loading up my Netflix cue.

But I want to go back to my original topic, my husband, my IVF Buddy. I honestly can’t imagine going through this with anyone else. He is so committed to the process itself, and I see the signs of patenthood starting to show on him. He sold his beloved car this past week for more than one reasons, but one of them being that it was a two door coupe, so not very baby friendly. He then made another compromise…he picked a family friendly, fuel efficient but still sporty car as a replacement. So we purchased a Honda Civic Si Sedan. It is great to see him happy about his new ride and I am happy he was able to compromise.

Cris will be a great Dad some day. He adores his baby niece and he is so at ease with her. I hope we have our family soon so I can see Cris with his own child. His child will be very lucky to have him, how I am very lucky to have him. He is my partner and I am happy he is taking this journey with me.

4 weeks to go...

I lie last night and think to myself…”I am IVF.” IVF and I became one. Once I felt that I owned it, it didn’t feel so scary. IVF is now a part of my life’s story and I am making peace with it. It feels good to be at peace with IVF. It actually has been surprising to me how strong I have been feeling lately. I have no idea where my strength is coming from, but I know I need it.

We began the Lupron shoots last week along with antibiotics and steroids. I can tell my body is getting a little more tired and sluggish, but I am in no pain, which is really nice. Starting this week, we will begin with the heavy hitters. I am actually looking forward to it, because the sooner we start, the sooner it will end. The funny thing is that I can’t really think about the “end”, because I would have to think about what comes after IVF. My mind does not want to think about either scenario: 1) IVF works or 2) IVF fails. I think this is strange, but I am able to limit my thoughts only to the extent IVF continues and nothing beyond it. All my life I was a planner, working toward my goals. With IVF, I am working toward my goal of having a family, but it feels that I am really deliberately living in the moment, experiencing it fully. I was told by multiple people to visualize a positive outcome, but I really don’t want to do it. Being a logical person, I know our chances are about 40%. As I am going through this I am doing everything I can to be healthy, both physically and mentally, but visualizing a positive outcome feels like setting myself up for a more hurtful realization if it does not work. It feels like lying to myself. And if it does work, that’s even scarier to think about! I will have a baby! Every woman starts out thinking that she will be a Mom when she is ready. But after you are told otherwise by experts, having a baby sounds more of a miracle than a normal course of life. So if this miracle happens to me, I am not sure what I will do. The good news is, I still have at least 4 weeks before I have to face the outcome of IVF!!! Until then, I get to enjoy the ins and outs of this fascinating medical experiment. :)

What I want to remember about this time of my life

I want to remember that I was unsure if I chose the right path with IVF. Being well-informed is as much of a curse sometimes as it is a blessing. I read a fair amount about endometriosis, treatment options and how to tackle infertility. I can’t say the answer was staring at me. With every piece of new information, more questions arose and more doubt entered. Many people say that you need to listen to your heart and follow it. My heart is mostly scared and is not firmly pointing me to a particular direction. So I can’t hold on to a personal conviction of “I feel this is the right thing for me.” None the less, we are still doing it. And by “we”, I, perhaps selfishly, imply “me.” That is because I see so little impact on Cris. And I look, really look. But at least I am very grateful to him for not rolling obstacles in my way. I guess maybe that is the best he can do under the circumstances. I have read about other couples where the woman is fighting tooth and nail to have a baby and the male partner is not convinced that he wants a baby, therefore is not really committed to a shared goal. I guess I am very lucky that for us that is not the case. I know Cris tries to be supportive, but such behavior is just so outside any experience he has ever had, that he struggles with being sensitive and putting himself second sometimes. But he is there for the appointments and he is in this without a doubt. Further, he never makes me feel that if we can’t have kids, than he has no use for me. I very much appreciate that.

Regarding myself, this experience has made me a stronger person. Some people who know me would find that scary, because I can often seem confident and assertive. But this strength is different. It gives me a sense of preparedness for all bad things to come. I remain calm knowing that I can’t control the outcome, only how hard I try. But life is beautiful with its unpredictiveness. So what’s beautiful about not having the gift of giving new life from our own heritage? Well, should that be the road assigned to me, beauty will still be there, I am sure of it. I am grateful for the inner strength that reassures me that happiness is already in my life and will remain in spite of the outcome of the IVF. So that is the big picture. Day to day I get worried about the drugs I have to swallow or inject, about the pain I will endure, and about the possible side effects of IVF may have on my offspring(s) in the long term. I get very tired both physically and mentally and I cry too sometimes. But I fight feeling sorry for myself, because there is so much worse out there! As far as infertility is concerned, my case could be significantly worse. I could be older, we could have male factor issues, and I could be without a very good insurance. It feels good to remind myself that there are good things about my situation, it is not all a grim picture. As far as life is concerned, I could be without a partner who shares my desire of having a family, I could be without a challenging and rewarding career, and I could be without my health (less infertility of course). One thing I could not be without is my friends and family. No matter what, I know they would be there.

So I want to remember all the positives along with the negatives on my road to IVF.

How do you know what is the right path for you?

I am sure I am not the only one struggling with this question, but that does not console me at this time. I can’t remember if I always wanted to have kids, but I know I have wanted to have kids in the last decade. I am 35 now, and I remember when I was in my late 20’s I was thinking I would start trying when I turned 30. We did try for about 8 months, nothing happened. At the time I did not seek an explanation, because soon after we stopped trying we decided to divorce. Fast forward to last year, I was nearing 35 and knew that I wanted to have kids. I decided to go for it alone, since I was not in a relationship. But then…I met someone and in a short year we dated, traveled, married and decided on having kids right away. Actually, he knew from the very beginning that I wanted to have kids and he was not scared at all. So we jumped in together. In the past 8 months we went to more doctors’ appointments then I can count. I was diagnosed (via a laparoscopy) with endometriosis (stage 3). After a few rounds of Clomid and other drugs along with IUI’s we were told to proceed to IVF.

At first, I thought…”Yeah, this must be the way, so let’s just quickly get it over with!” But that was when I was too stupid to even know all that I didn’t know. After months of research I now second guess every decision I have previously made, and unable to make new decisions. Is IVF really the only way? According to my acupuncturist/eastern medicine doctor there are other ways. Of course there is no conclusive research or even success rates to shed light on the success of eastern medical treatments. I tried going this route for a few months, but with my condition, time is against me. So back to square one. So if it has to be IVF, how can I trust someone to intervene with nature on my behalf? I struggle with this one a lot. I was never a very trusting person and now I don’t have a choice. I must trust! Boy this one is hard!!! Some outsiders would think that this is a question of control, but to me it is not. Quite the contrary. If I can close my eyes and fall back knowing my doctor will catch me, I trust him/her, and he/she can have control. Communication is important, but by no means do I want to be my own doctor. I just want to believe that my doctor takes the time to understand what I need help with and uses his/her talent to help me. Things that make me worry are:
• Assumptions - when a doctor assumes to know what I want and why
• Limitations in training. I spent many years in school, but there is still a lot that I don’t know. However, I am always ready to admit this and try not to get in over my head. I hope my doctor would feel the same.
• Conflict of interest. It seems that the world of IVF statistics drive many families to choose their doctors. The higher the success rate, the more in-demand the RE is. So could this drive some behavior that would otherwise not be accepted? For example, would a clinic refuse to take difficult cases to keep their rates high? I have no answer, just a lot of questions. I am not accusing anyone either, I am just thinking out loud.
• Long-term health impacts. What is that we don’t know about IVF yet?
• The short-term health impact of IVF. We tried one rounds of Follistim and it did not go very well. I was uncomfortable the whole month and a few days after the trigger shot I ended up with Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). Even after the symptoms of OHSS were over, I was struggling with a backache that took about another month to heal.

So IVF is still our choice. It is not a “this feels like the right choice” decision by any means. It is more of an “I feel like I have no other option” decision. Nothing new, right!? I know I am not unique and I don’t feel sorry for myself. This is just my way of facing the reality of my situation. By spelling it out to myself, it is not so scary.

Reasons for starting this blog...

It’s been a long road to get to where I am, and in one month I will go for my first IVF. Well, it is me and my husband, but more on that later. I have been very emotional and often frustrated and I can’t find anyone to share it with who I feel would understand or at least comfort me. Also, often times I would just like to express my frustration and I don’t want to offend anyone, so out of fear that I might bother others or that I might say something I later want to take back, I just don’t say what I think and what I feel. I am hoping that by starting this blog, I can unload the heavy loads without the worry of hurting anyone’s feelings, or them hurting mine (and my feelings have been very fragile lately.) I am also hoping that maybe I can connect with someone out there in cyberspace who understands me and that we both can FEEL like we are not alone, even if only for a short while. You see…I know I am not alone. It’s just that I often feel alone. And if not one person reads this blog, it will still give me the outlet I need during this challenging time of my life.