I can’t make sense of it, so I write…

We had our beta hcg test 14 days past egg retrieval, and it was 9. Over 25 means pregnant, under 5 means not pregnant. In between could mean a couple of different things, but most resources I looked at points to a pregnancy that is not viable.

I don’t yet understand or able to process why this is happening. All kinds of thoughts go through my head as I try to make sense of it. Maybe I don’t deserve a child, maybe I made bad choices in the past. This is a recurring thought, but I think if children were only awarded to deserving parents, many would lose the right to parenthood. I also think I would be a good Mom because I would try very hard. I don’t think there is more a parent can do, but try really hard. Then I think it is not fair. I am a deserving parent and I see so many others who do not know what they have and show so little care toward their children. It makes me angry. But anger only hurts me, it will change nothing so I know I have to let it go. I also ponder if my full medical condition has been recovered. Maybe more test or procedures are needed to shed light on the full extent of the cause of my infertility. I don’t know how to work through this. Then I think, “what more could I do?” But I can’t think of anything, and there is no one to figure it out for me. I don’t feel stressed, I just feel hopeless. I wonder how long before I am able to accept. Will I ever be able to accept? And if I can’t accept it, will it swallow me up or will I have the strength to fight still? I am where I have never been before and the world won’t stop to wait for me till I am ready to move forward. Time forces you to always be in motion, you can only choose the direction.

So we are in no man’s land. I hope that by the power of the unexplainable we still have a chance. If not, I hope I miscarry soon, because it is torture to be constantly reminded of what it could have been. I can’t even think of where we go from here. I just set daily goals, really stupid ones, like “clean my closet”, so I can tell myself that I am not giving in, not giving up, not yet!