My voice is back

I haven’t written for a long time. I have had it on my list of things to do for quite a while, but every time I tried, no words would come. So I have waited and then suddenly the words came. I wondered why the words were gone and why they are coming suddenly, and I think I know why. And I now feel that I need to write in out of me.

The last time I wrote, I was scared, disappointed, angry and confused. Now it seems that it was a long time ago, but really it was only two months ago. After the pain of learning that the IVF did not work, I recovered fast. That is what everyone expected to see, and I did not want to dwell myself. I kept busy and it was not hard to forget about it. I pushed it out of my life, as if it was not my baggage to carry. But it is undoubtedly mine and it didn’t go anywhere.

I think our minds and feelings will sometimes protect us without us knowing. I felt protected these last two months, I shot out those who caused me pain, which mostly included people with small children, or those who are expecting. It wasn’t that hard because as ugly as it sounds, I just don’t care about them. I blocked them out, and my mind helped me blocking the feelings out for them as well. Facing them and having them in my life would mean I would constantly have to face what my life is missing, and also face the disappointment that motherhood may not be in the cards for me. No matter how good it is to have the many friends and family around, the reality is that when you are the odd one out, you just don’t belong. I don’t belong and I have nothing to offer. They want to see that I am fine and love their kids, and I am not fine and don’t want to love their kids. I want to love my own child. Love is nothing like anything else in the world. The fact that I have all this homeless love in my heart makes me able to offer less love to others.

Unfortunately, the bubble I have been living in is not holding up really well. I can’t shut everybody out. When I learned that my sister was pregnant I was really happy for her. We did not know the results of the IVF yet, so of course I hoped to go through pregnancy with her. But that is not how it turned out. And now I can feel how much I am letting her down. I am supposed to be the big sister, who is there to know all the details and will be showering her God Child with gifts. But the more I feel her need of sharing this with me, the harder it is on me. I don’t want to let her down. This isn’t supposed to happen this way. I am supposed to do more and give more. The trouble is I don’t know how to do it without hurting inside. I was able to remain disconnected till now, because the wall was high enough around me to protect me from feeling. But as the baby grows inside my sister's belly, my wall is weakening and I stand exposed. I am not the caring sister I am supposed to be, and I may never be the loving God Mother I am supposed to be. And how I change that, I don’t know. I wonder if my sister feels alone, like I do. So why can’t I be stronger and better, and be there for her.

So that is why the words are coming now.