What I want to remember about this time of my life

I want to remember that I was unsure if I chose the right path with IVF. Being well-informed is as much of a curse sometimes as it is a blessing. I read a fair amount about endometriosis, treatment options and how to tackle infertility. I can’t say the answer was staring at me. With every piece of new information, more questions arose and more doubt entered. Many people say that you need to listen to your heart and follow it. My heart is mostly scared and is not firmly pointing me to a particular direction. So I can’t hold on to a personal conviction of “I feel this is the right thing for me.” None the less, we are still doing it. And by “we”, I, perhaps selfishly, imply “me.” That is because I see so little impact on Cris. And I look, really look. But at least I am very grateful to him for not rolling obstacles in my way. I guess maybe that is the best he can do under the circumstances. I have read about other couples where the woman is fighting tooth and nail to have a baby and the male partner is not convinced that he wants a baby, therefore is not really committed to a shared goal. I guess I am very lucky that for us that is not the case. I know Cris tries to be supportive, but such behavior is just so outside any experience he has ever had, that he struggles with being sensitive and putting himself second sometimes. But he is there for the appointments and he is in this without a doubt. Further, he never makes me feel that if we can’t have kids, than he has no use for me. I very much appreciate that.

Regarding myself, this experience has made me a stronger person. Some people who know me would find that scary, because I can often seem confident and assertive. But this strength is different. It gives me a sense of preparedness for all bad things to come. I remain calm knowing that I can’t control the outcome, only how hard I try. But life is beautiful with its unpredictiveness. So what’s beautiful about not having the gift of giving new life from our own heritage? Well, should that be the road assigned to me, beauty will still be there, I am sure of it. I am grateful for the inner strength that reassures me that happiness is already in my life and will remain in spite of the outcome of the IVF. So that is the big picture. Day to day I get worried about the drugs I have to swallow or inject, about the pain I will endure, and about the possible side effects of IVF may have on my offspring(s) in the long term. I get very tired both physically and mentally and I cry too sometimes. But I fight feeling sorry for myself, because there is so much worse out there! As far as infertility is concerned, my case could be significantly worse. I could be older, we could have male factor issues, and I could be without a very good insurance. It feels good to remind myself that there are good things about my situation, it is not all a grim picture. As far as life is concerned, I could be without a partner who shares my desire of having a family, I could be without a challenging and rewarding career, and I could be without my health (less infertility of course). One thing I could not be without is my friends and family. No matter what, I know they would be there.

So I want to remember all the positives along with the negatives on my road to IVF.

How do you know what is the right path for you?

I am sure I am not the only one struggling with this question, but that does not console me at this time. I can’t remember if I always wanted to have kids, but I know I have wanted to have kids in the last decade. I am 35 now, and I remember when I was in my late 20’s I was thinking I would start trying when I turned 30. We did try for about 8 months, nothing happened. At the time I did not seek an explanation, because soon after we stopped trying we decided to divorce. Fast forward to last year, I was nearing 35 and knew that I wanted to have kids. I decided to go for it alone, since I was not in a relationship. But then…I met someone and in a short year we dated, traveled, married and decided on having kids right away. Actually, he knew from the very beginning that I wanted to have kids and he was not scared at all. So we jumped in together. In the past 8 months we went to more doctors’ appointments then I can count. I was diagnosed (via a laparoscopy) with endometriosis (stage 3). After a few rounds of Clomid and other drugs along with IUI’s we were told to proceed to IVF.

At first, I thought…”Yeah, this must be the way, so let’s just quickly get it over with!” But that was when I was too stupid to even know all that I didn’t know. After months of research I now second guess every decision I have previously made, and unable to make new decisions. Is IVF really the only way? According to my acupuncturist/eastern medicine doctor there are other ways. Of course there is no conclusive research or even success rates to shed light on the success of eastern medical treatments. I tried going this route for a few months, but with my condition, time is against me. So back to square one. So if it has to be IVF, how can I trust someone to intervene with nature on my behalf? I struggle with this one a lot. I was never a very trusting person and now I don’t have a choice. I must trust! Boy this one is hard!!! Some outsiders would think that this is a question of control, but to me it is not. Quite the contrary. If I can close my eyes and fall back knowing my doctor will catch me, I trust him/her, and he/she can have control. Communication is important, but by no means do I want to be my own doctor. I just want to believe that my doctor takes the time to understand what I need help with and uses his/her talent to help me. Things that make me worry are:
• Assumptions - when a doctor assumes to know what I want and why
• Limitations in training. I spent many years in school, but there is still a lot that I don’t know. However, I am always ready to admit this and try not to get in over my head. I hope my doctor would feel the same.
• Conflict of interest. It seems that the world of IVF statistics drive many families to choose their doctors. The higher the success rate, the more in-demand the RE is. So could this drive some behavior that would otherwise not be accepted? For example, would a clinic refuse to take difficult cases to keep their rates high? I have no answer, just a lot of questions. I am not accusing anyone either, I am just thinking out loud.
• Long-term health impacts. What is that we don’t know about IVF yet?
• The short-term health impact of IVF. We tried one rounds of Follistim and it did not go very well. I was uncomfortable the whole month and a few days after the trigger shot I ended up with Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). Even after the symptoms of OHSS were over, I was struggling with a backache that took about another month to heal.

So IVF is still our choice. It is not a “this feels like the right choice” decision by any means. It is more of an “I feel like I have no other option” decision. Nothing new, right!? I know I am not unique and I don’t feel sorry for myself. This is just my way of facing the reality of my situation. By spelling it out to myself, it is not so scary.

Reasons for starting this blog...

It’s been a long road to get to where I am, and in one month I will go for my first IVF. Well, it is me and my husband, but more on that later. I have been very emotional and often frustrated and I can’t find anyone to share it with who I feel would understand or at least comfort me. Also, often times I would just like to express my frustration and I don’t want to offend anyone, so out of fear that I might bother others or that I might say something I later want to take back, I just don’t say what I think and what I feel. I am hoping that by starting this blog, I can unload the heavy loads without the worry of hurting anyone’s feelings, or them hurting mine (and my feelings have been very fragile lately.) I am also hoping that maybe I can connect with someone out there in cyberspace who understands me and that we both can FEEL like we are not alone, even if only for a short while. You see…I know I am not alone. It’s just that I often feel alone. And if not one person reads this blog, it will still give me the outlet I need during this challenging time of my life.