I am sure I am not the only one struggling with this question, but that does not console me at this time. I can’t remember if I always wanted to have kids, but I know I have wanted to have kids in the last decade. I am 35 now, and I remember when I was in my late 20’s I was thinking I would start trying when I turned 30. We did try for about 8 months, nothing happened. At the time I did not seek an explanation, because soon after we stopped trying we decided to divorce. Fast forward to last year, I was nearing 35 and knew that I wanted to have kids. I decided to go for it alone, since I was not in a relationship. But then…I met someone and in a short year we dated, traveled, married and decided on having kids right away. Actually, he knew from the very beginning that I wanted to have kids and he was not scared at all. So we jumped in together. In the past 8 months we went to more doctors’ appointments then I can count. I was diagnosed (via a laparoscopy) with endometriosis (stage 3). After a few rounds of Clomid and other drugs along with IUI’s we were told to proceed to IVF.
At first, I thought…”Yeah, this must be the way, so let’s just quickly get it over with!” But that was when I was too stupid to even know all that I didn’t know. After months of research I now second guess every decision I have previously made, and unable to make new decisions. Is IVF really the only way? According to my acupuncturist/eastern medicine doctor there are other ways. Of course there is no conclusive research or even success rates to shed light on the success of eastern medical treatments. I tried going this route for a few months, but with my condition, time is against me. So back to square one. So if it has to be IVF, how can I trust someone to intervene with nature on my behalf? I struggle with this one a lot. I was never a very trusting person and now I don’t have a choice. I must trust! Boy this one is hard!!! Some outsiders would think that this is a question of control, but to me it is not. Quite the contrary. If I can close my eyes and fall back knowing my doctor will catch me, I trust him/her, and he/she can have control. Communication is important, but by no means do I want to be my own doctor. I just want to believe that my doctor takes the time to understand what I need help with and uses his/her talent to help me. Things that make me worry are:
• Assumptions - when a doctor assumes to know what I want and why
• Limitations in training. I spent many years in school, but there is still a lot that I don’t know. However, I am always ready to admit this and try not to get in over my head. I hope my doctor would feel the same.
• Conflict of interest. It seems that the world of IVF statistics drive many families to choose their doctors. The higher the success rate, the more in-demand the RE is. So could this drive some behavior that would otherwise not be accepted? For example, would a clinic refuse to take difficult cases to keep their rates high? I have no answer, just a lot of questions. I am not accusing anyone either, I am just thinking out loud.
• Long-term health impacts. What is that we don’t know about IVF yet?
• The short-term health impact of IVF. We tried one rounds of Follistim and it did not go very well. I was uncomfortable the whole month and a few days after the trigger shot I ended up with Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). Even after the symptoms of OHSS were over, I was struggling with a backache that took about another month to heal.
So IVF is still our choice. It is not a “this feels like the right choice” decision by any means. It is more of an “I feel like I have no other option” decision. Nothing new, right!? I know I am not unique and I don’t feel sorry for myself. This is just my way of facing the reality of my situation. By spelling it out to myself, it is not so scary.
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