What I want to remember about this time of my life

I want to remember that I was unsure if I chose the right path with IVF. Being well-informed is as much of a curse sometimes as it is a blessing. I read a fair amount about endometriosis, treatment options and how to tackle infertility. I can’t say the answer was staring at me. With every piece of new information, more questions arose and more doubt entered. Many people say that you need to listen to your heart and follow it. My heart is mostly scared and is not firmly pointing me to a particular direction. So I can’t hold on to a personal conviction of “I feel this is the right thing for me.” None the less, we are still doing it. And by “we”, I, perhaps selfishly, imply “me.” That is because I see so little impact on Cris. And I look, really look. But at least I am very grateful to him for not rolling obstacles in my way. I guess maybe that is the best he can do under the circumstances. I have read about other couples where the woman is fighting tooth and nail to have a baby and the male partner is not convinced that he wants a baby, therefore is not really committed to a shared goal. I guess I am very lucky that for us that is not the case. I know Cris tries to be supportive, but such behavior is just so outside any experience he has ever had, that he struggles with being sensitive and putting himself second sometimes. But he is there for the appointments and he is in this without a doubt. Further, he never makes me feel that if we can’t have kids, than he has no use for me. I very much appreciate that.

Regarding myself, this experience has made me a stronger person. Some people who know me would find that scary, because I can often seem confident and assertive. But this strength is different. It gives me a sense of preparedness for all bad things to come. I remain calm knowing that I can’t control the outcome, only how hard I try. But life is beautiful with its unpredictiveness. So what’s beautiful about not having the gift of giving new life from our own heritage? Well, should that be the road assigned to me, beauty will still be there, I am sure of it. I am grateful for the inner strength that reassures me that happiness is already in my life and will remain in spite of the outcome of the IVF. So that is the big picture. Day to day I get worried about the drugs I have to swallow or inject, about the pain I will endure, and about the possible side effects of IVF may have on my offspring(s) in the long term. I get very tired both physically and mentally and I cry too sometimes. But I fight feeling sorry for myself, because there is so much worse out there! As far as infertility is concerned, my case could be significantly worse. I could be older, we could have male factor issues, and I could be without a very good insurance. It feels good to remind myself that there are good things about my situation, it is not all a grim picture. As far as life is concerned, I could be without a partner who shares my desire of having a family, I could be without a challenging and rewarding career, and I could be without my health (less infertility of course). One thing I could not be without is my friends and family. No matter what, I know they would be there.

So I want to remember all the positives along with the negatives on my road to IVF.