I can’t make sense of it, so I write…

We had our beta hcg test 14 days past egg retrieval, and it was 9. Over 25 means pregnant, under 5 means not pregnant. In between could mean a couple of different things, but most resources I looked at points to a pregnancy that is not viable.

I don’t yet understand or able to process why this is happening. All kinds of thoughts go through my head as I try to make sense of it. Maybe I don’t deserve a child, maybe I made bad choices in the past. This is a recurring thought, but I think if children were only awarded to deserving parents, many would lose the right to parenthood. I also think I would be a good Mom because I would try very hard. I don’t think there is more a parent can do, but try really hard. Then I think it is not fair. I am a deserving parent and I see so many others who do not know what they have and show so little care toward their children. It makes me angry. But anger only hurts me, it will change nothing so I know I have to let it go. I also ponder if my full medical condition has been recovered. Maybe more test or procedures are needed to shed light on the full extent of the cause of my infertility. I don’t know how to work through this. Then I think, “what more could I do?” But I can’t think of anything, and there is no one to figure it out for me. I don’t feel stressed, I just feel hopeless. I wonder how long before I am able to accept. Will I ever be able to accept? And if I can’t accept it, will it swallow me up or will I have the strength to fight still? I am where I have never been before and the world won’t stop to wait for me till I am ready to move forward. Time forces you to always be in motion, you can only choose the direction.

So we are in no man’s land. I hope that by the power of the unexplainable we still have a chance. If not, I hope I miscarry soon, because it is torture to be constantly reminded of what it could have been. I can’t even think of where we go from here. I just set daily goals, really stupid ones, like “clean my closet”, so I can tell myself that I am not giving in, not giving up, not yet!

No matter what the future holds, for now we are pregnant!

We had our egg retrieval on April 24th, on day 12 of my cycle. It was a very uncomfortable procedure, but I would do it a thousand times over in exchange for getting pregnant! 16 eggs were retrieved and 12 of those were mature. After they were surrounded by Cris’ little swimmers, 10 eggs fertilized, an 83% fertilization rate, which I am told is a great achievement for the male partner, so great job Sweetie! From here on every report we received, we seemed to have lost 2 of the embryos. On day 3, 8 were doing well, 2 were behind in development. At this point, we got the green light to have a day 5 transfer. On day 5, 6 were doing well, however all 6 were still in an early blastocyst stage, which was slightly behind, so another day was added to give them a chance to develop into a full blastocyst stage. On day 6 (April 30th), we got the call in the morning that the 6 embryos were graded as follows: 6AA, 6AB, 4AB, 4AC, 4CB, and 4CC. Unfortunately, the last 3 were not candidates for cryopreservation, so we were faced with the exact decision that we feared. We were afraid that we would have exactly 3 viable embryos and we would have to leave one behind. The freezing process is a great way to preserve the embryos but it is also hard on them, and not all survive the thaw out process. With only one embryo to freeze, this would give us very little chance at a Froze Embryo Transfer (FET). Also, I felt that I was abandoning one of my babies. Cris and I were here for each other, and 2 of the best embryos would be transferred together, so they can keep each other company, but our last little one would be alone. Thankfully, between my Doctor and the Embryologist at OHSU they proposed to freeze our 4AC grade embryo along with our 4AB embryo, which actually developed into a 5AB embryo by the time the vitrification process began. So I felt more at peace with leaving them behind, knowing that they are not alone. I am also with them in spirit. So after starting with 16 eggs we ended with 4 embryos, exactly 25%. Even though today probably should be about the 2 little embryos that are growing in my belly, I can’t help feeling sad for the 12 that didn’t make it. In some ways I am mourning them, because I felt connected to them all throughout this process, and now they are irreversibly gone. I will keep them in my memory.

All throughout this process I stayed pretty strong. I had a few sensitive moments, but I kept it together really well, no emotional outbursts. But on day 5 when we went to the hospital for the egg transfer and we were told that we needed to wait another day, I lost it. It all just came flooding. All the anticipation of that day, and now we have to go home without our babies. It was very hard to process that everything was fine, but we still had to wait another day. What really helped getting through this tough day is the kindness of those who were standing right by us. My acupuncturist, Kendra, got up at the crack of dawn with us to be there and showed no disappointment. Further, she called back later that day, on a Sunday!, to let us know that she has rearranged her schedule to be there with us the next day. Dr. Chang called as early on day 5 as she could to give us the update, and she took the time to answer all of our questions in detail. She has always been this way, so we are very lucky to have her. She also called first thing the next day to provide the most current update on our embryo development. I wonder if at other clinics it is the nurse who calls instead of the Doctors. Dr. Chang’s work ethic is really amazing. She is a kind and quiet person, but her determination is her driving force that one cannot ignore. At OHSU, Dr. Chang is assisted by Debra, who has been also really kind to us. All 3 times we met her she took the time to explain what will happen and how things work. On the morning of day 5, she came to talk to us to make sure we understood that everything was ok, and a day 6 transfer is not unusual, or a reason for worry. She even asked the Embryologist, Debbie, to come talk to us. She walked us through the embryo report and made sure all of our questions were answered. She also offered to be handling our case the next day, as she already had our case history. She did keep her word and we did see her the next day at the embryo transfer. She understood my concern over freezing only one embryo, and worked with us to find a solution. No matter the outcome of this IVF cycle, I will forever be grateful for the kindness and care of all these very special people. (and now I am crying!)

So it all lead up to this…right now we are pregnant. We don’t know how long, but hope for the very best. Counting the hours till our test on May 8th. I hope we make it that far, and I hope it will be positive. I am so grateful for my husband who stuck this process out with me, the people that were on our baby team and cared for us, and the friends and family we have. Also, I am very grateful that I am able to take time off from work to rest and focus on keeping our lives stress free and baby ready!

Baby Angels, we hope you come to us! We have so much love for you!