4 weeks to go...

I lie last night and think to myself…”I am IVF.” IVF and I became one. Once I felt that I owned it, it didn’t feel so scary. IVF is now a part of my life’s story and I am making peace with it. It feels good to be at peace with IVF. It actually has been surprising to me how strong I have been feeling lately. I have no idea where my strength is coming from, but I know I need it.

We began the Lupron shoots last week along with antibiotics and steroids. I can tell my body is getting a little more tired and sluggish, but I am in no pain, which is really nice. Starting this week, we will begin with the heavy hitters. I am actually looking forward to it, because the sooner we start, the sooner it will end. The funny thing is that I can’t really think about the “end”, because I would have to think about what comes after IVF. My mind does not want to think about either scenario: 1) IVF works or 2) IVF fails. I think this is strange, but I am able to limit my thoughts only to the extent IVF continues and nothing beyond it. All my life I was a planner, working toward my goals. With IVF, I am working toward my goal of having a family, but it feels that I am really deliberately living in the moment, experiencing it fully. I was told by multiple people to visualize a positive outcome, but I really don’t want to do it. Being a logical person, I know our chances are about 40%. As I am going through this I am doing everything I can to be healthy, both physically and mentally, but visualizing a positive outcome feels like setting myself up for a more hurtful realization if it does not work. It feels like lying to myself. And if it does work, that’s even scarier to think about! I will have a baby! Every woman starts out thinking that she will be a Mom when she is ready. But after you are told otherwise by experts, having a baby sounds more of a miracle than a normal course of life. So if this miracle happens to me, I am not sure what I will do. The good news is, I still have at least 4 weeks before I have to face the outcome of IVF!!! Until then, I get to enjoy the ins and outs of this fascinating medical experiment. :)